Feeling a little cloudy? Our state-of-the-art, FDA-unapproved Electro-Therapy Station™ offers immediate clarity! Simply insert any denomination of U.S. currency ($1 minimum), press the big red button, and let 30 seconds of gentle neural recalibration restore your inner peace. Side effects may include temporary levitation, sudden bilingualism, or an overwhelming urge to organize cutlery.
Join our beloved residents in the courtyard for our time-honored tradition! Participants receive a complimentary basket and are encouraged to “find joy in the search.” While egg counts vary by individual perception, our records show that every single participant walks away with a uniquely personal experience—and at least one hard-boiled mystery egg. Participation is mandatory for staff, optional for visitors (but highly encouraged).
Our licensed Wellness Attendants offer bespoke tension relief tailored to your biological configuration. Gentlemen may experience targeted upper-limb decompression, while ladies receive specialized lower-abdominal soothing—all performed with clinical precision and zero judgment. Robes provided. Appointments scheduled “as the stars align.”
Newlyweds, rejoice! Our premium padded suite offers the ultimate in sound-dampened intimacy. Features include: 360° wall-to-wall cushioning, mood lighting (red, of course), complimentary straitjacket upgrades, and a breakfast tray that never arrives. Perfect for couples who’ve “seen it all” and just want to scream into a void—together. Booking window: always open (but never confirmed).